( they've never actually met, and yet steve has seen clarisse at her worst (worse than her worst, really, cruel in ways she never thought she was capable of), which should probably make her feel some type of way — but this isn't about her right now, so she's more than happy to bury that particular brand of shame in a ditch somewhere no one will ever find it. at least until she's more equipped to talk about it, which will absolutely not happen until she's had a real conversation with percy and annabeth. and even then, putting fake-godland back into context of her actual life with actual gods will almost certainly make things worse. perspective is one hell of a bitch. so, you know, calling steve out on his shit is a whole lot easier at the moment. )
What the hell is going on with you and your boyfriend
( deliberately not you and eddie. she's not sugarcoating it, because she never has. )
[ but maybe that's why he's still here, too. because he has seen her at her not-real worst, watched the sheer ruthlessness and violence and cruelty that she could be capable of. and still he was there, still he knows what is real. or, rather, thinks he does. it's difficult, the hypocrisy in knowing that what happened to you didn't actually happen but still being comfortable in what you saw of others.
steve knows what it means to have been something you didn't want to be. he knows shame, knows guilt. there's a part of him that likes to think he's on the other side of it all, but it has a tendency to sneak up on him, to find him late at night or in the middle of conversations. a broken camera, a painted sign. it feels a little ridiculous to try and compare any of his past experiences to the level of which they all reached in that make-believe future, but.
he gets it. and it's why he doesn't bring it up. won't, probably ever, unless clarisse does first.
no- it's easier to just... it's easier to be. it's easier to get this message and not question why it feels so normal to clap back. to rolls his eyes. to know exactly what she's talking about and yet still not give her an easy time of it because that- that is not something he's really prepared to talk about. ]
( she never expected this to be a walk in the park, for steve to just spill his guts because clarisse poked him once, so she's not surprised when he just denies it. because technically, sure, he doesn't have one. but they both know this isn't about the technicality of it all. and he knows this is tame for her, all things considered. she hasn't even brought the knife out yet. )
Don't give me that shit, Harrington You know exactly who I'm talking about
[ no, it was never going to be easy. and this also won't be easy. for one, because this is hardly as much as clarisse can give when it comes to trying to get information, and he takes the chance he can get to push back. for two, well. he also doesn't even know what to say about it, either. he knows she's talking about eddie, he knows that she's trying to either...what? make fun of them? make fun of him? his only understanding of how this friendship with clarisse works is the distant (false?) feeling that this is normal for them, this exchange is normal for them, but that doesn't mean he knows what to do with it. ]
yeah, well la rue the answer is still nothing cause I don't have one and never did, technically so there's nothing to spill
( she would love to make fun of them, if they would actually admit there's anything to make fun of. but no, they're both being like this, which makes her want to strangle both of them more than anything. )
Spare me the technicality bullshit
( because that is just an easy excuse to be a pussy in her opinion. )
There's a whole lot to spill about why y'all are being weird as fuck and not acknowledging it We're acting like everything is normal So, what, just because I didn't suck your face we get to be cool? But suddenly the who-gives-a-shit-if-it-wasn't-real once-great love of your life is giving me mopey doe-eyes about how this isn't a thing? Don't be an asshole, Steve, that's my job
[ if there was any part of Steve that hadn't been sure he knew how to do this - how to have friends, how to have friends as close as Charisse, how to have a friendship like the one he has with clarisse - it's gone in this instant. because he hasn't even gotten a response from her, hasn't gotten anything back, and still he can feel himself think oh thank god she's not in solvunn, or I'd be dead. there's a kind of confirmation there, that brings along with it relief and familiarity and.
well. Steve's stubborn and sometimes annoying side. mostly annoying. pretty often annoying. ]
we're not being weird as fuck we're trying to go back to NORMAL a lot of shit happened during that weird crater nap thing or didn't happen or whatever but that doesn't mean it changes shit here or has to change shit Eddie's pretty much my best friend I freaking live with the dude and just cause apparently our immortal god versions decided to date or whatever doesn't mean anything for us NON god versions
and WE'RE cool because well
[ shit shit shit he wasn't prepared for this side of things. for him to have to give voice or words to why he's so willing (and secretly kind of desperate) to still be cool with clarisse. to still be friends with clarisse. to still- ]
UGH man I don't know! I want to still be cool with you but if you woke up and decided 'hey actually that Harrington guy is kind of a huge asshole' then that would be cool too or not cool but you know what I mean
and he's NOT the love of my life!!! Jesus CHRIST clarisse none of it was real!!!! none actually no it doesn't matter
also, side note, being an asshole isn't a one person job I can also be one like all the time probably like now
but dude I don't know I just he's been kinda very Not Talking About Any Of It since it hasn't come up at all
wait
what do you mean he was giving you mopey doe eyes?
( definitely annoying. she would be shaking him if she were there right now. among other slightly more violent things, which would most likely just devolve into roughhousing and steve in a headlock. it's probably better she's not anywhere in his vicinity for this. )
"""NonE oF iT wAs rEaL""" Yeah, keep fucking telling yourself that, I hope it makes you feel better about being a goddamn coward You wanna tell me how I have new fucking scars if none of that shit actually happened?
( she really wishes she could send photo through this stupid brain network, because she does not want to touch the horizon right now. but if she has to, she will mentally drag steve's ass to her domain and show him there. for now, she's just going to yell about it very loudly in her head. )
Nanaue fucking BIT ME and you and I both know that's fucking impossible unless some of that god shit was real Maybe it's just the Singularity playing a big fucking joke on me, but I've been around enough dreams-that-aren't-dreams to know that it's not as simple as real-or-not-real We didn't just take a nap, Steve, something or someone royally fucked with our heads So if you want to selectively ignore all the shit that makes you uncomfortable, fine I'm just telling you it didn't come from nowhere
There's this thing called the Mist back home that can make you see things that aren't really true or convince you something happened when it didn't And believe me, this doesn't feel like that This feels like, I don't know, like we were supposed to "live" through all of it Like some fucking Christmas Carol shit or whatever Like someone poked around in our brains and made us see the best or the worst of ourselves I don't fucking know Maybe that's not the real future, unless you want to believe in Fate and all that shit which I'm pretty sure has nothing to do with it But can you actually say where you ended up and who you ended up with doesn't make sense? Put all of the god shit aside He's your best friend, you live with him, but what, neither one of you is man enough to poach the elephant in the room?
I mean I just saw him in Nocwich, looking unbelievably pathetic Practically moaning about how y'all aren't a thing Pretty sure he was trying to tell me something with the dopey love song he was playing
( which is, maybe, not exactly the truth. don't @ her. she didn't come here to fight fair. )
Maybe you should go talk to him instead of being an asshole Or at least tell me why you can't talk to him if you'd rather continue being an asshole You owe me that much if you still want to be cool
[ more often than not, Steve’s experience with roughhousing has ended him in a headlock. he’s not a huge fan of wrestling, never got as into it as tommy and the other guys did. but that’s also besides the point. ]
dude what is your DEAL about this? why do you care so much???
[ though, of course, clarisse brings up that and Steve is suddenly a lot more interested in anything but the current topic of conversation. ]
wait wait wait hold up you have scars? why didn’t you tell me? you’ve got shark bite scars???
and yeah, okay, fine something fucked with our heads it was probably the singularity- it likes doing that at least this time it wasn’t fucked up nightmares and hallucinations about weird shit some of the shit that happened was kind of awesome- good awesome. great, even. but do you really think you’re gonna stick around here for 800 years? or hell- LIVE for 800 more years? HERE? become GODS? like- I know that’s not as weird for you with your dad and all that but jesus, I don’t know
and maybe we haven’t talked about it because we’ve been dealing with everything else there’s no elephant, everything’s chill except for you, apparently. you’re the only one super invested in all this and I still don’t really get why
also, you’e full of shit he hates playing love songs
but god okay other than the fact that the last two Talks we had I royally fucked up I just- man, I don’t know I don’t want him to feel like he owes me anything in like- not being together or also just, not anything else and it’s not like I’ve ever actually liked a dude before I don’t even KNOW about him I just know that this is kinda it for him and he should get to be with whoever he wants not just some guy he knows from home
Because I have scars everywhere, dipshit, it's not a big deal
( the other one maybe is. but she's not talking about that one right now. she is not letting him get sidetracked by this. )
You're missing the point, anyway It's not about the scar, it's about where it came from
I'm not even saying any of it is going to happen! Fucking hell, I don't want to be stuck here forever, either But this is what we like to call A Sign One you should probably pay fucking attention to
( she doesn't even bother responding to he hates playing love songs because that in itself feels like a gotcha, even if he doesn't realize it. )
Gods, do you even fucking hear yourself right now, Steve Have you considered that he might want to be with some guy from home And not just because you're from home, but, I don't know Because you're you?
Also, liking a dude is exactly the same as liking a girl, dumbass The only difference is you both have dicks So it's a 2-for-1, who gives a shit
Listen, I get it, shit's fucked up, boo-fucking-hoo But I've been here before, okay? You wanna know what my fucking deal is?
( and it's only because she's so frustrated that she's even admitting this. maybe he will get it through his thick skull if she gives him a little context. maybe already having a breakdown with achilles about it was a good thing, or she probably wouldn't have even considered bringing it up. it's still hard to talk about, but with all the shit she's giving him for seemingly no reason, he deserves to understand why. and for once she's immensely glad the network can't transmit actual thoughts, or he'd be getting some truly horrific imagery with this. )
I was in love with my best friend and I never told her I thought, we're both dating people, we're in the middle of a war, we're both girls, my dad would hate me, blah blah blah Everything became an excuse not to say anything Because I was terrified I would ruin our friendship and everything else And then she died in a battle I could have prevented She begged me to go with her and I didn't listen And even as she lay dying in my arms, I couldn't tell her, because I was a coward So don't start with these bullshit excuses Be a man and do something about it before you regret it for the rest of your life
( congrats, steve. she's never explicitly told anyone this. her family knows what happened, but she's not sure they actually ... know. then again, how could they not. she literally became achilles. that's pretty much the gayest parallel there is. )
and just cause you're used to pain doesn't make it okay, either dipshit
[ the words are thought out, or whatever this is, before steve really notices how out of place they might be. except he and Clarisse are okay, aren't they? because that feels a little too close, a little too like they were in those not-memories, a little too...
ah, it is what it is. it's out there, and Clarisse is still yelling at him, and. yeah. okay. maybe he needs to stop overthinking this whole thing. Clarisse lays into him and it's not uncomfortable, it's not wild, but something about the conversation itself still doesn't compute for him. ]
you wanna call what happened in that dream a Sign? you're starting to sound like some preacher on tv my mom used to listen to
and no! i haven't considered it! because he's never done a fucking thing about it either he's been weird since we came back, okay?? it's been WEIRD so i don't know what you expect me to do about that, either
[ but then he sees Clarisse say you wanna know what my fucking deal is? and steve very suddenly, very immediately, know it's not a time to keep arguing. the words keep showing up as Clarisse gets into it, as she talks, and steve can't remember if this is new information or remembered, if this is something he's heard before of it is something about Clarisse that just doesn't... surprise him.
and yet...does.
it's another moment where steve feels the weird, off-putting separation between their lives, and yet a bit like there isn't any separation at all. steve feels like he knows what it means, to be in the midst of warzones (no matter how imagined they may be), what it means to lose a friend in your arms. losing someone like that changes you, but bringing in the concept of who it could be, who it could be... ]
Sorry I forgot you don't regularly have gods invading your dreams to tell you vague and dubiously helpful bullshit Are you seriously trying to call me a televangelist That's low, Steve
Zeus Almighty Do I need to stage a fucking Horizon intervention for you two Seriously
( do not put it past her. she will get over her own reservations about the horizon if it means getting them to talk to each other.
but despite laying it all out for him, now that it's out there, she really doesn't want to keep talking about silena. it still feels too raw, but she has considerably lost steam in the wake of an admission like that. in a way, it feels good to have finally said it to someone, even if she hasn't said it out loud, technically. but at the same time, all she really wants to do is retreat from it. if the hard part is supposed to be admitting it, why doesn't it feel any easier? maybe some invisible weight has been lifted, but she's still trudging waist-deep through the mud. what does she even say now? )
Yeah, well, it helps when you know what the afterlife looks like, I guess
( it doesn't, really, because she still has to live her life without silena, still has to live with the guilt and the grief of it all. but it's a nice lie she can tell herself every now and then. )
yeah sorry you gotta remember my life was the boring normal up until I got farm-baptized in the pond out back I guess besides the monsters and the government and shit back in Indiana but whatever all I'm saying is that gods talking to you in dreams is still weird and I'm not as ready to just accept 'signs' outta nowhere
[ listen.....percy and steve have a lot more in common than they don't, alright? there's a reason he and clarisse can get along as well as they do so quickly.
the concept of a horizon intervention is... actually, kind of terrifying. if no other part of this conversation had convinced Steve to talk to Eddie, the idea that clarisse could still find a way to force it to happen even halfway across the country/continent/thing is enough.
he also notices the way she absolutely does not want to keep on about the conversation. he doesn't really know what to do about it, because on one hand he feels like he should try and get her to keep opening up, but on the other... that would be a little hypocritical of him, wouldn't it? so Steve tries to take a kind of middle road - latching onto the whole afterlife convo and letting that take the wheel. ]
wait what? why do you know what the afterlife looks like?
( that's ... that's the nativity, clarisse. but whatever. you can't expect her to know the difference between these things. baptisms and christmas aren't totally on her radar. she knows of them, and some of the year-rounders do little gift exchanges during the holidays, but for the most part they don't really celebrate mortal holidays at camp (she vaguely remembers christmas celebrations from when she was a kid, but it's not something that's ever been, you know, part of her identity or anything). there's the winter solstice every year, of course, but even then it's never really been a big deal like it used to be in ancient times (aside from the council of the gods that demigods are so rarely invited to attend). chiron tried to convince percy that camp should hold a traditional winter solstice feast in poseidon's honor one year and clarisse is pretty sure she's never seen percy run faster for half-blood hill. )
You know, if you can accept weird demons from an alternate dimension you really shouldn't be having such a hard time with this
( but maybe her life by comparison is exponentially weirder than one demon dimension, considering — )
What do you mean why My dad's dad's brother is the king of the Underworld, dumbo Nico pretty much lived there until recently, he's seen the whole place And Percy and Annabeth have been there, too (no they weren't dead) I mean, it's just never been a secret where we're going when we die, just a matter of when
[ Steve was really trying to be funny and witty and it really did not at all land. that, or he's fully missing whatever sarcasm that clarisse is trying to send through these messages. he does know she is talking about Christmas, though, and part of him assumes she's trying to make some kind of joke out of it, but he uh. definitely misses that ]
it wasn't like that was easy to accept those either I mean at a point I didn't have a choice but give me a break here
[ the fight feels like it's over. he's not exactly sure where they landed or what's going to end up happening, if clarisse is going to take the kind of easing out of the conversation as a win? is Steve agreeing to something he doesn't really mean to? he doesn't know if it's worth worrying about.
especially because... yeah. ]
yeah but have YOU been there? like to your actual afterlife place? shit that's
[ but then Steve takes a moment to think about it, and he's struck by a sudden realization that maybe that isn't... a bad thing. ]
what's it like for you guys? your afterlife
[ totally not a pointed reason for him asking about afterlives. definitely normal for him to do. ]
( she has no idea what that means. the only councils she knows of are the council of cloven elders and the council of the gods. demigod brain does not compute mortal concepts of government. or organized religion? whatever. )
I'll give you a break when you stop being an idiot
( but, yeah, for the most part, the argument is over. there's only so many times clarisse can scream the equivalent of you're being a fuckhead, steve before she starts repeating herself, and now doesn't really feel like the time to start beating the dead horse. that, and it's a lot harder to say what she really means (i just want you to be happy, stupid) so she just. doesn't. )
No I haven't been there because I miss all the fun stuff
( and by "fun stuff" she means life-threatening quests and bonus trips to tartarus. not that she'd ever actually want to end up in tartarus. but still. it's always stay at camp, clarisse, protect the camp, clarisse. boring. )
It really depends on who you were in life Your soul is judged when it enters the Underworld and you can end up in one of a few places Heroes like us usually end up in Elysium, which is like our equivalent of Heaven, but really anyone who lived a good life can be sent there It's the paradise of the Underworld The Isles of the Blest are at the center of Elysium, but only those who have been reborn three times and achieved Elysium every time can get there, so most people don't try I don't know how you out-paradise paradise, but I guess getting to live forever on a private island helps The Fields of Asphodel is where most people wind up, and, yeah, it's about as boring as it sounds Literally it's a giant field where souls just wander around aimlessly for all eternity But people who were especially bad end up in the Fields of Punishment where, you know, they're punished for all eternity And then there's Tartarus, but that's mostly reserved for monsters and primordial beings who should never see the light of day again Think of it like the supermax of the Underworld
( she can sort of see where this is going, but — )
I know Silena made it to Elysium, but it's still Hard, without her
( and then, just for a little levity: )
If you want to convert, it's not too late, Steve Just one offering to the gods at every meal for the rest of your life
the solvunn council its the government people here in solvunn when they summoned us we came through a pond thing and they were just standing there isn't that how you got summoned?
[ he's not even going to acknowledge that last bit. he's kind of always being an idiot, anyway, so it's not really something he can address or change.
clarisse says 'fun stuff' and Steve knows enough about clarisse to know what she's getting at. still, he can't quite wrap his head around wanting to go to some kind of afterlife, no matter whatever version or image or place it might be. but even so, Steve can't help but be curious. can't help but lean towards the possibility of knowing what that might look like.
he doesn't necessarily know what he imagined, but a field? punishment? he frowns, but it's not like clarisse can see that. Steve hates this - his first thought, his own real thought, if Eddie would make it to Elysium. if he would-
no. that's not helping anyone. ]
can you go and see her in elysium?
[ even as he asks the question, he knows it's not that simple. knows it couldn't be that simple. but if it's possible, if there is a chance he has to know. ]
( the dawning realization that steve was not talking about indiana when he said farm-baptized... she just assumed they did weird shit in the midwest, okay. )
You meant here It wasn't a pond, it was a pool or something in a cave under one of the military outposts The Prime Minister or someone was there
( anyway, now that that's cleared up... )
I mean, Hades isn't a huge fan of demigods or anyone else taking field trips to the Underworld, so it's not like I can just pop in for a visit whenever I want Haven't you heard of Orpheus? Getting to the Underworld is pretty easy, but getting back out... Usually requires a favor from a god
That's it for you, yeah You're not a demigod, so you're off the hook for quests and shit The rest of it is just ... belief or whatever, I guess Making offerings, praying to your patron god Apollo's here if you want to give it a shot
( ha. a shot. see what she did there. )
I'm kidding btw, Apollo is insufferable And I'm allowed to say that because I'm related to him You strike me as more of a Heracles kind of guy, anyway God of strength and bravery, divine protector of mankind
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
What the hell is going on with you and your boyfriend
( deliberately not you and eddie. she's not sugarcoating it, because she never has. )
no subject
steve knows what it means to have been something you didn't want to be. he knows shame, knows guilt. there's a part of him that likes to think he's on the other side of it all, but it has a tendency to sneak up on him, to find him late at night or in the middle of conversations. a broken camera, a painted sign. it feels a little ridiculous to try and compare any of his past experiences to the level of which they all reached in that make-believe future, but.
he gets it. and it's why he doesn't bring it up. won't, probably ever, unless clarisse does first.
no- it's easier to just... it's easier to be. it's easier to get this message and not question why it feels so normal to clap back. to rolls his eyes. to know exactly what she's talking about and yet still not give her an easy time of it because that- that is not something he's really prepared to talk about. ]
i...don't have one?
no subject
Don't give me that shit, Harrington
You know exactly who I'm talking about
no subject
yeah, well la rue
the answer is still nothing
cause I don't have one
and never did, technically
so
there's nothing to spill
also why are you asking?
no subject
Spare me the technicality bullshit
( because that is just an easy excuse to be a pussy in her opinion. )
There's a whole lot to spill about why y'all are being weird as fuck and not acknowledging it
We're acting like everything is normal
So, what, just because I didn't suck your face we get to be cool?
But suddenly the who-gives-a-shit-if-it-wasn't-real once-great love of your life is giving me mopey doe-eyes about how this isn't a thing?
Don't be an asshole, Steve, that's my job
how about a Steve Harrington roller coat rant
well. Steve's stubborn and sometimes annoying side. mostly annoying. pretty often annoying. ]
we're not being weird as fuck
we're trying to go back to NORMAL
a lot of shit happened during that weird crater nap thing
or didn't happen
or whatever
but that doesn't mean it changes shit here
or has to change shit
Eddie's pretty much my best friend
I freaking live with the dude
and just cause apparently our immortal god versions decided to date or whatever doesn't mean anything for us NON god versions
and WE'RE cool because
well
[ shit shit shit he wasn't prepared for this side of things. for him to have to give voice or words to why he's so willing (and secretly kind of desperate) to still be cool with clarisse. to still be friends with clarisse. to still- ]
UGH
man I don't know!
I want to still be cool with you
but if you woke up and decided 'hey actually that Harrington guy is kind of a huge asshole' then that would be cool too
or
not cool but you know what I mean
and he's NOT the love of my life!!!
Jesus CHRIST clarisse
none of it was real!!!!
none
actually no it doesn't matter
also, side note, being an asshole isn't a one person job
I can also be one
like all the time
probably like now
but dude I don't know
I just
he's been kinda very Not Talking About Any Of It since
it hasn't come up at all
wait
what do you mean he was giving you mopey doe eyes?
they are unhinged and im luv them
"""NonE oF iT wAs rEaL"""
Yeah, keep fucking telling yourself that, I hope it makes you feel better about being a goddamn coward
You wanna tell me how I have new fucking scars if none of that shit actually happened?
( she really wishes she could send photo through this stupid brain network, because she does not want to touch the horizon right now. but if she has to, she will mentally drag steve's ass to her domain and show him there. for now, she's just going to yell about it very loudly in her head. )
Nanaue fucking BIT ME and you and I both know that's fucking impossible unless some of that god shit was real
Maybe it's just the Singularity playing a big fucking joke on me, but I've been around enough dreams-that-aren't-dreams to know that it's not as simple as real-or-not-real
We didn't just take a nap, Steve, something or someone royally fucked with our heads
So if you want to selectively ignore all the shit that makes you uncomfortable, fine
I'm just telling you it didn't come from nowhere
There's this thing called the Mist back home that can make you see things that aren't really true or convince you something happened when it didn't
And believe me, this doesn't feel like that
This feels like, I don't know, like we were supposed to "live" through all of it
Like some fucking Christmas Carol shit or whatever
Like someone poked around in our brains and made us see the best or the worst of ourselves
I don't fucking know
Maybe that's not the real future, unless you want to believe in Fate and all that shit which I'm pretty sure has nothing to do with it
But can you actually say where you ended up and who you ended up with doesn't make sense?
Put all of the god shit aside
He's your best friend, you live with him, but what, neither one of you is man enough to poach the elephant in the room?
I mean I just saw him in Nocwich, looking unbelievably pathetic
Practically moaning about how y'all aren't a thing
Pretty sure he was trying to tell me something with the dopey love song he was playing
( which is, maybe, not exactly the truth. don't @ her. she didn't come here to fight fair. )
Maybe you should go talk to him instead of being an asshole
Or at least tell me why you can't talk to him if you'd rather continue being an asshole
You owe me that much if you still want to be cool
TRULY UNHINGED
dude
what is your DEAL about this?
why do you care so much???
[ though, of course, clarisse brings up that and Steve is suddenly a lot more interested in anything but the current topic of conversation. ]
wait wait wait hold up
you have scars?
why didn’t you tell me?
you’ve got shark bite scars???
and yeah, okay, fine
something fucked with our heads
it was probably the singularity- it likes doing that
at least this time it wasn’t fucked up nightmares and hallucinations about weird shit
some of the shit that happened was kind of awesome- good awesome. great, even.
but do you really think you’re gonna stick around here for 800 years?
or hell- LIVE for 800 more years? HERE?
become GODS?
like- I know that’s not as weird for you with your dad and all that but
jesus, I don’t know
and maybe we haven’t talked about it because we’ve been dealing with everything else
there’s no elephant, everything’s chill
except for you, apparently. you’re the only one super invested in all this
and I still don’t really get why
also, you’e full of shit
he hates playing love songs
but god
okay
other than the fact that the last two Talks we had I royally fucked up
I just-
man, I don’t know
I don’t want him to feel like he owes me anything
in like- not being together or also just, not anything else
and it’s not like I’ve ever actually liked a dude before
I don’t even KNOW about him
I just know that this is kinda it for him
and he should get to be with whoever he wants
not just some guy he knows from home
no subject
( the other one maybe is. but she's not talking about that one right now. she is not letting him get sidetracked by this. )
You're missing the point, anyway
It's not about the scar, it's about where it came from
I'm not even saying any of it is going to happen!
Fucking hell, I don't want to be stuck here forever, either
But this is what we like to call A Sign
One you should probably pay fucking attention to
( she doesn't even bother responding to he hates playing love songs because that in itself feels like a gotcha, even if he doesn't realize it. )
Gods, do you even fucking hear yourself right now, Steve
Have you considered that he might want to be with some guy from home
And not just because you're from home, but, I don't know
Because you're you?
Also, liking a dude is exactly the same as liking a girl, dumbass
The only difference is you both have dicks
So it's a 2-for-1, who gives a shit
Listen, I get it, shit's fucked up, boo-fucking-hoo
But I've been here before, okay?
You wanna know what my fucking deal is?
( and it's only because she's so frustrated that she's even admitting this. maybe he will get it through his thick skull if she gives him a little context. maybe already having a breakdown with achilles about it was a good thing, or she probably wouldn't have even considered bringing it up. it's still hard to talk about, but with all the shit she's giving him for seemingly no reason, he deserves to understand why. and for once she's immensely glad the network can't transmit actual thoughts, or he'd be getting some truly horrific imagery with this. )
I was in love with my best friend and I never told her
I thought, we're both dating people, we're in the middle of a war, we're both girls, my dad would hate me, blah blah blah
Everything became an excuse not to say anything
Because I was terrified I would ruin our friendship and everything else
And then she died in a battle I could have prevented
She begged me to go with her and I didn't listen
And even as she lay dying in my arms, I couldn't tell her, because I was a coward
So don't start with these bullshit excuses
Be a man and do something about it before you regret it for the rest of your life
( congrats, steve. she's never explicitly told anyone this. her family knows what happened, but she's not sure they actually ... know. then again, how could they not. she literally became achilles. that's pretty much the gayest parallel there is. )
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dipshit
[ the words are thought out, or whatever this is, before steve really notices how out of place they might be. except he and Clarisse are okay, aren't they? because that feels a little too close, a little too like they were in those not-memories, a little too...
ah, it is what it is. it's out there, and Clarisse is still yelling at him, and. yeah. okay. maybe he needs to stop overthinking this whole thing. Clarisse lays into him and it's not uncomfortable, it's not wild, but something about the conversation itself still doesn't compute for him. ]
you wanna call what happened in that dream a Sign?
you're starting to sound like some preacher on tv my mom used to listen to
and no! i haven't considered it!
because he's never done a fucking thing about it either
he's been weird since we came back, okay??
it's been WEIRD
so i don't know what you expect me to do about that, either
[ but then he sees Clarisse say you wanna know what my fucking deal is? and steve very suddenly, very immediately, know it's not a time to keep arguing. the words keep showing up as Clarisse gets into it, as she talks, and steve can't remember if this is new information or remembered, if this is something he's heard before of it is something about Clarisse that just doesn't... surprise him.
and yet...does.
it's another moment where steve feels the weird, off-putting separation between their lives, and yet a bit like there isn't any separation at all. steve feels like he knows what it means, to be in the midst of warzones (no matter how imagined they may be), what it means to lose a friend in your arms. losing someone like that changes you, but bringing in the concept of who it could be, who it could be... ]
i'm sorry about your friend, clarisse
seriously
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( don't go all percy on her, harrington. )
Sorry I forgot you don't regularly have gods invading your dreams to tell you vague and dubiously helpful bullshit
Are you seriously trying to call me a televangelist
That's low, Steve
Zeus Almighty
Do I need to stage a fucking Horizon intervention for you two
Seriously
( do not put it past her. she will get over her own reservations about the horizon if it means getting them to talk to each other.
but despite laying it all out for him, now that it's out there, she really doesn't want to keep talking about silena. it still feels too raw, but she has considerably lost steam in the wake of an admission like that. in a way, it feels good to have finally said it to someone, even if she hasn't said it out loud, technically. but at the same time, all she really wants to do is retreat from it. if the hard part is supposed to be admitting it, why doesn't it feel any easier? maybe some invisible weight has been lifted, but she's still trudging waist-deep through the mud. what does she even say now? )
Yeah, well, it helps when you know what the afterlife looks like, I guess
( it doesn't, really, because she still has to live her life without silena, still has to live with the guilt and the grief of it all. but it's a nice lie she can tell herself every now and then. )
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up until I got farm-baptized in the pond out back
I guess besides the monsters and the government and shit back in Indiana but
whatever
all I'm saying is that gods talking to you in dreams is still weird
and I'm not as ready to just accept 'signs' outta nowhere
[ listen.....percy and steve have a lot more in common than they don't, alright? there's a reason he and clarisse can get along as well as they do so quickly.
the concept of a horizon intervention is... actually, kind of terrifying. if no other part of this conversation had convinced Steve to talk to Eddie, the idea that clarisse could still find a way to force it to happen even halfway across the country/continent/thing is enough.
he also notices the way she absolutely does not want to keep on about the conversation. he doesn't really know what to do about it, because on one hand he feels like he should try and get her to keep opening up, but on the other... that would be a little hypocritical of him, wouldn't it? so Steve tries to take a kind of middle road - latching onto the whole afterlife convo and letting that take the wheel. ]
wait
what?
why do you know what the afterlife looks like?
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Were the wise men there too
( that's ... that's the nativity, clarisse. but whatever. you can't expect her to know the difference between these things. baptisms and christmas aren't totally on her radar. she knows of them, and some of the year-rounders do little gift exchanges during the holidays, but for the most part they don't really celebrate mortal holidays at camp (she vaguely remembers christmas celebrations from when she was a kid, but it's not something that's ever been, you know, part of her identity or anything). there's the winter solstice every year, of course, but even then it's never really been a big deal like it used to be in ancient times (aside from the council of the gods that demigods are so rarely invited to attend). chiron tried to convince percy that camp should hold a traditional winter solstice feast in poseidon's honor one year and clarisse is pretty sure she's never seen percy run faster for half-blood hill. )
You know, if you can accept weird demons from an alternate dimension you really shouldn't be having such a hard time with this
( but maybe her life by comparison is exponentially weirder than one demon dimension, considering — )
What do you mean why
My dad's dad's brother is the king of the Underworld, dumbo
Nico pretty much lived there until recently, he's seen the whole place
And Percy and Annabeth have been there, too (no they weren't dead)
I mean, it's just never been a secret where we're going when we die, just a matter of when
no subject
no
I mean
the council was???
[ Steve was really trying to be funny and witty and it really did not at all land. that, or he's fully missing whatever sarcasm that clarisse is trying to send through these messages. he does know she is talking about Christmas, though, and part of him assumes she's trying to make some kind of joke out of it, but he uh. definitely misses that ]
it wasn't like that was easy to accept those either
I mean at a point I didn't have a choice but
give me a break here
[ the fight feels like it's over. he's not exactly sure where they landed or what's going to end up happening, if clarisse is going to take the kind of easing out of the conversation as a win? is Steve agreeing to something he doesn't really mean to? he doesn't know if it's worth worrying about.
especially because... yeah. ]
yeah but have YOU been there?
like to your actual afterlife place?
shit
that's
[ but then Steve takes a moment to think about it, and he's struck by a sudden realization that maybe that isn't... a bad thing. ]
what's it like for you guys?
your afterlife
[ totally not a pointed reason for him asking about afterlives. definitely normal for him to do. ]
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Of what
( she has no idea what that means. the only councils she knows of are the council of cloven elders and the council of the gods. demigod brain does not compute mortal concepts of government. or organized religion? whatever. )
I'll give you a break when you stop being an idiot
( but, yeah, for the most part, the argument is over. there's only so many times clarisse can scream the equivalent of you're being a fuckhead, steve before she starts repeating herself, and now doesn't really feel like the time to start beating the dead horse. that, and it's a lot harder to say what she really means (i just want you to be happy, stupid) so she just. doesn't. )
No I haven't been there because I miss all the fun stuff
( and by "fun stuff" she means life-threatening quests and bonus trips to tartarus. not that she'd ever actually want to end up in tartarus. but still. it's always stay at camp, clarisse, protect the camp, clarisse. boring. )
It really depends on who you were in life
Your soul is judged when it enters the Underworld and you can end up in one of a few places
Heroes like us usually end up in Elysium, which is like our equivalent of Heaven, but really anyone who lived a good life can be sent there
It's the paradise of the Underworld
The Isles of the Blest are at the center of Elysium, but only those who have been reborn three times and achieved Elysium every time can get there, so most people don't try
I don't know how you out-paradise paradise, but I guess getting to live forever on a private island helps
The Fields of Asphodel is where most people wind up, and, yeah, it's about as boring as it sounds
Literally it's a giant field where souls just wander around aimlessly for all eternity
But people who were especially bad end up in the Fields of Punishment where, you know, they're punished for all eternity
And then there's Tartarus, but that's mostly reserved for monsters and primordial beings who should never see the light of day again
Think of it like the supermax of the Underworld
( she can sort of see where this is going, but — )
I know Silena made it to Elysium, but it's still
Hard, without her
( and then, just for a little levity: )
If you want to convert, it's not too late, Steve
Just one offering to the gods at every meal for the rest of your life
no subject
its the government people here in solvunn
when they summoned us we came through a pond thing and they were just
standing there
isn't that how you got summoned?
[ he's not even going to acknowledge that last bit. he's kind of always being an idiot, anyway, so it's not really something he can address or change.
clarisse says 'fun stuff' and Steve knows enough about clarisse to know what she's getting at. still, he can't quite wrap his head around wanting to go to some kind of afterlife, no matter whatever version or image or place it might be. but even so, Steve can't help but be curious. can't help but lean towards the possibility of knowing what that might look like.
he doesn't necessarily know what he imagined, but a field? punishment? he frowns, but it's not like clarisse can see that. Steve hates this - his first thought, his own real thought, if Eddie would make it to Elysium. if he would-
no. that's not helping anyone. ]
can you go and see her in elysium?
[ even as he asks the question, he knows it's not that simple. knows it couldn't be that simple. but if it's possible, if there is a chance he has to know. ]
dude
is that it?
seriously?
no subject
( the dawning realization that steve was not talking about indiana when he said farm-baptized... she just assumed they did weird shit in the midwest, okay. )
You meant here
It wasn't a pond, it was a pool or something in a cave under one of the military outposts
The Prime Minister or someone was there
( anyway, now that that's cleared up... )
I mean, Hades isn't a huge fan of demigods or anyone else taking field trips to the Underworld, so it's not like I can just pop in for a visit whenever I want
Haven't you heard of Orpheus?
Getting to the Underworld is pretty easy, but getting back out...
Usually requires a favor from a god
That's it for you, yeah
You're not a demigod, so you're off the hook for quests and shit
The rest of it is just ... belief or whatever, I guess
Making offerings, praying to your patron god
Apollo's here if you want to give it a shot
( ha. a shot. see what she did there. )
I'm kidding btw, Apollo is insufferable
And I'm allowed to say that because I'm related to him
You strike me as more of a Heracles kind of guy, anyway
God of strength and bravery, divine protector of mankind